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musings from the studio and beyond ~

dawn chandler’s reflections on art and life. . . .

 

jumping off and leaping in

I guess it was my turn. My turn to have a crappy week…or two. Let’s face it: I lead a pretty charmed life. I’m self-employed doing what I love; I’m active and in good health (I haven’t had a cold in five years); I’m reasonably financially secure; I live in desired solitude in a beautiful, soulful part of the world . I have no dependents, so I’m able to wake up quietly each morning and make each day my own. I’m blessed with a Good Man, a Good Pup, a big circle of friends, and come from a family that I’m infinitely proud and fond of. My “problems” are minuscule to nonexistent compared to what some people have to deal with, maybe even most people. In general, I believe in the power of a positive outlook on Life and therefore strive to make the most of what comes my way, so maybe that’s helped to bring grace to my life. Who knows. Having a positive outlook though has been harder to maintain these past couple of weeks. Mid-February I returned home from a midwinter trip with the plan of immersing myself in my studio. My calendar was wide open and I could spend two whole weeks with no distraction. I even had it on my calendar: A block of days with STUDIO written in bold across each day.
wilson pupster apres paw surgery

Wilson Pupster a bit groggy after paw surgery

Yet within 24 hours of returning from my travels, my Pup needed surgery. Within 24 hours of that, my utility closet—home to my hot water heater and furnace—in my kitchen started flooding with water, as did my neighbor’s (we share a wall). Now we are going into week three of mold eradication and repair. This, of course, was the perfect time for the “check engine” light of my car to come on. And what better time to get bulldozed by one helluva nasty head cold—my first in half a decade? Couple all of this with the nauseating political shenanigans going on in our country and it was all I could do to crawl out of bed this past Monday morning. Having had to vacate my place while the mold work was being done, I had camped out for several days at My Good Man’s place in ABQ, where I mainly coughed and sniffled and whimpered through sleepless nights while phlegm slugged down the back of my throat and my head expanded within the clamp of a vice grip. Exhausted, frustrated and a bit disgusted with myself as well as the world, Monday morning came and I didn’t feel particularly grateful for the “extra” day of February. A message in my InBox from Seth Godin reminded me it was “Leap Day,” and the importance of taking leaps in one’s life and one’s career. Whatever. I shuffled along hacking and packing up my things. Arranging stuff in my car I shoved aside my massive LLBean canvas tote containing my plein air paint kit. I’ve been hauling it around all winter, thinking I might pull over somewhere here or there and knock out a quick painting. So far? Nothing. I haven’t done a single plein air painting since August. The voice that put the kit in my car weeks ago had said ‘get to it’ while another voice heavy with laziness countered every time with ….you don’t have time…it’s too cold….wait until spring….there’ll be more color… In other words, put it off. UGH. My head was pounding. I was in no mood to hit the highway and drive I-25 home to Santa Fe during Monday morning rush hour. But Seth’s words nagged at me: Leaping powers innovation, it is the engine….of a thrilling and generous life. Of course, you can (and should) be leaping regularly. Like bathing, leaping is a practice, something that never gets old, and is best done repeatedly. And it occurred to me, I should take the back way home….and paint along the way. Screw waiting until spring. I should just do it. Leap in now. The “back way home” is Route 14 along the historic and storied Turquoise Trail . I don’t know why I hardly ever go that route. I suppose because it’s a little slower and so a little longer. It’s also a whole lot more pretty and interesting than the Interstate, and  has hardly any traffic this time of year. And—AND—there’s not one but TWO decent coffee stops: one in the village of Cedar Crest and one in the funky art hamlet of Madrid. My Pup and I piled into my car and I drove. An hour later as I sat sipping good coffee and twirling my brushes, my Pup asleep near me in the back of my car, the morning sunlight of a weirdly mild February warming us both along this peaceful stretch of New Mexico blue highway, all concern of my “problems” evaporated. leaping in to plein air painting by taking the back way home and pulling over and getting busy painting   And I thought why the hell don’t I do this more often? Too often I resist the urge to go out and paint en plein air because…. because…. because…. I don’t know why.
best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when one is painting....

best to let sleeping dogs lie….

Because it’s a little bit of a hassle? Because it involves time? a little bit of planning? and the arrangement of my stuff and inevitably getting paint all over me and my hands and just about everything I look at? Because it’s actually really kind of fun and so doesn’t feel like work, and I’m constantly beating myself that I need to be working? But that makes no sense because ALL the art-making I do—whether plein air or in my studio—is pretty much fun. Bottom line? ALL lame. I think mainly it just comes down to making the decision to do it, to take the leap. To plan ahead, get all your gear together in advance and get in your car and drive. And then pull over, pull out your paint box, nuzzle your pooch, take a swig of coffee and leap into painting.
Leap Day Along the Turquoise Trail, en plein air oil painting, by artist Dawn Chandler

‘leap day along the turquoise trail’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ en plein air oil on panel ~ 8 x 10 inches

And that’s exactly what I decided to do two days later, on the 85th anniversary of my dear late father’s birth: To do it, to take the leap. To plan ahead, get all my gear together and get in my car and drive. And then pull over, pull out my paint box, nuzzle my pooch, take a swig of coffee and leap into painting. For what better way to honor my father, who loved art and the outdoors and who provided for me to be an artist. My Dad whose own life led directly to my charmed  life—head colds and mold and car repairs and paw surgeries notwithstanding.
Midwinter Lamy New Mexico, en plein air oil painting by artist Dawn Chandler

“midwinter ~ lamy, new mexico” ~ by dawn chandler ~ en plein air oil on panel ~ 8 x 10 inches

   

finding grounding in the new year

finding grounding in snow geese and sandhill cranes flying north to their evening roost, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler

 

I never would have thought I’d find grounding in the sky; in flight.

This new year loomed for me with a feeling of. . . . . . lack of focus? Imbalance?
My birthday is lost in the week between Christmas and New Year’s—a weird time when I always feel kind of in limbo, what with a sort of post-Christmas deflation coupled with contemplation about the year’s end, and uncertainty of what the new year may bring.
This winter in particular, coming onto my 51st birthday and flipping through my new 2016 calendar, I felt oddly vulnerable by the blank pages, the lack of plans. I felt a little lost in the shadow of such big accomplishments and huge travel last year. In a rare wave of uncertainty, I felt unsure where to place my focus, both in my studio and really kind of life in general. This wasn’t a sharp uncertainty, but more a kind of sluggishness.

We—[My Good Man and I]—had plans to travel over my birthday and New Year’s, but the voice of frugality (which sounded uncannily similar to my dear late mother’s) whispered to me, and so with much disappointment I cancelled those plans.
But I like doing something special on my birthday, to make the day stand out. And so, Plan B:

We rose in the wee hours of the morning on My Day and headed down to the Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refugea solitary sandhill crane in day's last light, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler, some 100 miles south of Albuquerque. Established in 1939 and comprising some 57,000+ acres on either side of the Rio Grande south of Socorro, ‘The Bosque’ is the wintering ground of thousands of migratory birds, especially snow geese and sandhill cranes.

I like birds, and always have. My mother used to feed them back in our New Jersey home with an almost religious fervor. If ever there were a question of who to feed first during a blizzard—her own children or the birds—she very well may have chosen the birds (fortunately for us her loyalty was rarely tested on this). She tended several feeders in our yard, including a beautifully crafted wooden one that sat front and center in a dining room window—a handmade gift from my father in the early years of their marriage. Nearly every meal of my childhood was spent in the company of birds dining on the other side of a thin pane of glass or veil of screen.

But I don’t think I ever really saw birds until a few weeks ago when the sandhill cranes of the Bosque glided into my awareness.

And now I’m infatuated.

I don’t know, but it was as though there was this tiny shadowed corner of my being that I didn’t even know was there, but when I witnessed these graceful, elegant birds soaring, gliding, cooing and flying close overhead, that shadowed corner in me suddenly became illuminated with pure joy.

two couples of sandhill cranes flying north to their evening roost, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler

And so we returned in January, again…and again…and again, making a total of five excursion to the Bosque, two by first light, three by last.

Because all I can think about now are birds—about cranes especially—and their movements and their staggering journeys.

4,000 miles.

That’s how far the sandhill cranes will travel this spring.

Think about that.

From New Mexico to the northern most reaches of Alaska and Canada. Some even fly from Mexico to Siberia. SIBERIA!

They can live 20 years or more in the wild.

They mate for life.

finding grounding in a pair of sandhill cranes flying north to their evening roost, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler

 

And in some western states in the US, it’s legal to kill them for sport.

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~ ~

I’m kidding, right?

~ ~

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I wish I were.

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The first book I read this year is Sandhill and Whooping Cranes: Ancient Voices Over America’s Wetlands, by Paul A. Johnsgard. This paragraph—like every crane I’ve had the joy of observing—takes my breath away:

Considering the incredible hardships that lesser sandhill cranes must undergo to complete their epic spring migrations, to raise chicks under the most severe environmental conditions, and to accompany them back [thousands of miles] to traditional winter grounds while enduring a threat of gunfire from Alaska to the southern United States or Mexico, one must wonder about the humanity of people who think that killing cranes can possibly be sporting.

 

Well, I’m bringing those cranes who have been shot back to life, if only with paper; if only with paint.

a flock of five origami cranes, crafted by dawn chandler

The cranes and snow geese and hawks and so many winged spirits of The Bosque are converging in great flocks in my studio, some in flicks and flecks of paint, some in inky calligraphic swirls, still others in folds and creases.

'bosque morning rising' ~ by dawn chandler ~ oil on panel ~ 12" x 24"

‘bosque morning rising’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ oil on panel ~ 12″ x 24″

 

three origami cranes, crafted by dawn chandler

 

'finding community' ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6" x 12"

‘finding community’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6″ x 12″

 

'our spirits gliding' ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6" x 12"

‘our spirits gliding’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6″ x 12″

 

'evening dawns' ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6" x 12"

‘evening dawns’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6″ x 12″

 

'as they soar' ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6" x 12"

‘as they soar’ ~ by dawn chandler ~ mixed media on panel ~ 6″ x 12″

 

But of all the birds I’ve observed this winter, it’s the cranes who keep haunting me. . . .

A trio of cranes in flight over a trio of marsh trees, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler
Many cultures revere the crane as a symbol of good fortune, prosperity and peace. And yet the peace I find when I think about and observe these majestic beings leads me to understand that they are more than creatures, more than a symbol.They are peace in motion. And they’re moving across the pages of my calendar, the pages of my art, deep into my new year.

finding grounding in a pair of sandhill cranes in late afternoon light, bosque del apache, photo by dawn chandler

 

I can hardly wait until November, when they’ll soar back to New Mexico, grounding me again.

 

~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

To see more of my photos of the Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refuge, check out my Instagram account at instagram.com/taosdawn/ as well recent posts at the Travel New Mexico instagram account at instagram.com/travelnewmexico/

 

prejudice and creative epiphany at the age of 13

I found myself kind of quiet the day I learned that David Bowie had died. Not that I’m ever really very moved by the lives and deaths of celebrities. Still, each is a reminder of the coming end to our own lives and therefore a reminder to “take kindly the counsel of the years….”

I wasn’t ever a big Bowie fan—he simply wasn’t on my radar very much. When I was a pre-teen and painfully unsure of myself and just about maxresdefaulteverything else, I did feel pretty sure that David Bowie was some sort of freak. I was confused by him and his outrageous costumes, his ambiguous sexuality. I didn’t know what to make of him, didn’t understand him. So at a pretty young age I wrote him off as someone not worth bothering with. I dismissed him as odd and with that dismissal I narrowed my mind.

But when I was on the brink of 14, David Bowie brought me an epiphany.

It was Christmas 1977 and Bing Crosby—one of my mother’s favorites—was having a Christmas show on TV. The special guest on Bing Crosby’s show was David Bowie.

Wait.

What?

There he was: Trim. Handsome. Downright respectable looking in his dark suit. And even though bowie-and-bing-togetherhe was speaking a script, he seemed gentle. Kind. Soft-spoken.

And then he sang. . . . in that duet. . . . with Bing Crosby . . . I  was. . . . I  was . . .  s t u n n e d.

His voice was  b e a u t i f u l .

I was in awe.

And right then and there I had an appreciation and respect for David Bowie.

This brings to mind, a movie I saw some years ago at the Taos Film Festival. It was about a likable young man in his 20s who was an artist, struggling for expression with big bold abstract paintings. Somehow—likely through a minor traffic offense, though I don’t remember the details —he meets and falls in love with a lovely young woman who is a traffic cop. They seem completely different people—opposites attract, especially on film—but love each other. Throughout their relationship, he struggles with his abstract paintings, working into the wee hours of mornings, trying to express and share something inside him.  But the going is rough in his studio, and he has many frustrations and failures. She’s confused by his paintings, and doesn’t like them. Tension mounts as it becomes more and more clear that she doesn’t “get” his art, but more importantly, that she doesn’t respect him as an artist; she thinks he’s a farce. Their relationship ends with an impassioned argument and his moving out.

And then she finds his sketchbook—something she’s never seen before. And when she opens it, she is breathless, for there revealed to her are the most beautiful, tender, exquisitely drawn portraits of her, sketched all those nights while she slept.

Of course what she realizes then is that he is not a farce at all. That he is more than capable of creating extraordinarily sensitive realistic renderings—but that he’s choosing not to right now, because another creative voice is calling him, demanding expression. He’s been trying to run with it—trying to honor it, and it’s proving challenging.

Those who’ve known me well know that for most of my art career (which means pretty much all of my adulthood) I’ve been drawn to at least two styles of art-making: “traditional” painting, which usually manifests as straight-forward recognizable landscape painting, and much more abstract expressions. For years and years I felt conflicted between the two. As though having two—(and sometimes even more)—creative voices made me some kind of freak and that really in order to be a “serious” artist I probably needed to pick one style, and make that my singular voice.

And yet that’s not what I learned that winter night of my 13th year, listening to David Bowie sing a holiday duet with Bing Crosby. What I learned then—and what I sometimes have failed to remember—is that most artists are decidedly not singular in their creative voice. Not only that, but this: That just because one chooses one form of expression, doesn’t mean they aren’t capable or desirous of others. It’s just that they have chosen—are compelled—to express themselves in this certain way now because this is the way that allows them to express what they need to express in this moment of creation. They’re not freaks, they’re just creative chameleons, deeply attuned to listening and honoring the voice(s) of their muse.

It’s why an artist named Pablo Picasso painted like this:

portrait of a man, oil, by pablo picasso

And later like this:

Picasso_Guernica

guernica ~ oil ~ by pablo picasso

Why an artist like Gerhart Richter has painted like this:

GerhardRichter-Skull

skull ~ oil ~ by gerhard richter

And and also like this:

GerhardRichter_PhotoPainting

6 january 90 (haus) ~ mixed media ~ by gerhard richter

It’s why some days I paint like this:

bosque del apache sunrise, ii, oil on panel, 12" x 16", by dawn chandler

bosque del apache sunrise, ii ~ oil on panel ~ 12″ x 16′ ~ by dawn chandler

And other days like this:

bosque del apache winter, reconsidered, mixed media on paper mounted on panel, by dawn chandler

bosque del apache winter, reconsidered ~ mixed media on paper mounted on panel ~ 6″ x 12″ ~ by dawn chandler

And it’s why I have a small portrait of David Bowie on my studio wall—to remind me that being a creative chameleon is a good and honorable thing.

 

prejudice and creative epiphany at the age of 13 found again on dawn chandler's art studio wall four decades latler

 

 

falling, gratitude & why i want to return to the trail

It’s been two months now since I came off Vermont’s Long Trail.
I can finally descend the stairs in my own home without holding my breath and having to ease my legs down step by step.
The golf-ball sized swelling over my left clavicle has abated.
I can almost kneel without pain; the staggering stiffness in my thigh muscles has finally relaxed.
The weight I lost during my walk — about 15lbs in almost as many days—has remained off.

My summer hiking clothes are washed and put away; my hiking gear is clean and stowed in large plastic bins under the stairs.

Except my backpack.

I’m leaving that out. Where I can see it. I may even TaosDawnChandler_LongTrail_197pxtake a painting or a mirror down and replace it on the wall with my backpack—but not too high or out of reach. Because I want to be able to grab it and head out the door again. Maybe even on a whim.

I set out on September 9th to hike the 274 miles of the Long Trail across Vermont in 32 days.

My knees held out for two-thirds of it. They lasted 19 days—17 days of actual hiking—some 170+ miles.

I have 100 miles left.

A few people have asked me, “How does it feel to fall short of your goal?”

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Fall short?

 

Fall short?

 

I beg your pardon, but I believe I fell tall.

I believe I fell long.

I believe I fell wide.

I fell with a lot of tears. And pain. God knows it was painful. That last day especially.
But I believe I fell full — full of Life. And dare I say, full of courage. Because while it takes a lot of courage to press on, it takes maybe even more courage to say, Enough.

That’s what I think, anyway.

And though I didn’t make it the full 274 miles that’s drawn on the map, I most certainly achieved what I set out to do.

For I returned again—as I’d wanted—to the northeastern forests of my childhood, where I was reminded again of the smell of hardwood forests and curling birch bark. I saw toads again—toads! —and newts and moss and ferns and clover.

I communed—as I’d wanted—with the spirit of my parents, footstep after footstep, and felt their presence in and around me more than I have since their deaths too young some years ago.

I marked my 50th year—as I’d wanted—with something big: I tested my mettle, tested my knowledge, tested my body and my abilities and—despite real fear and anxiety—I did it: I set out on a long solo journey on foot ….that just happened to last 19 days.

Yet I gained so much more than that.
I gained an intimate familiarity with a long swath of Vermont mountain forests.
I lived and breathed a small, excellent corner of our beautiful planet in all its dazzling autumn richness.

TaosDawnChandler_LongTrail_204px

I gained intimacy with the sound of silence.

 

TaosDawnChandler_LongTrail_196px

And I gained more Family.

Yes, Family.

For the people of The Trail are a cut above.
Rarely have I met such generosity of spirit. Such good humor. Such goodwill.
Such big, welcoming hearts. Such genuine concern for and support of one another.

I want to go back, and finish those last 100 miles.
I want to expand the embrace of My Family—My Tribe—further.

And I will.

 

Meanwhile

On this day of Thanksgiving, I’m feeling kinda overcome with gratitude.
Gratitude for my good Life.
Gratitude for The Trail.
Gratitude for all you good people who have helped me along the way—on the Long Trail and on the Life Trail.

To all of you:

Thank you.

And here now is more reason why I want to return to The Trail. Crack open a beer or pour yourself a cup of tea or coffee and come back on the trail with me. I’ve put together a little slideshow of my Long Trail journey, and welcome your company. It will remind you of something we can all be thankful for this day and always: This beautiful, glorious country of ours.

As my dear father would say, Allons-y! —
Let us go—

Dawn’s Chandler’s Slideshow: Hiking Vermont’s Long Trail

Happy Thanksgiving.

~ Taos Dawn

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Read more about my journey:

Dawn’s Walk Across Vermont Installment 01

Dawn’s Walk Across Vermont Installment 02

Dawn’s Walk Across Vermont Installment 03

**Special thanks to infinitely gifted musician Timothy Seaman for permission to use his wonderful music in my slideshow. Check out more of his music at www.timothyseaman.com**

 

an inviting passage of The Long Trail along nearby pastures - photo by artist Dawn 'TaosDawn' Chandler

where a walk across vermont ends

TaosDawn_LT_WetBootsNLeaves_800_px

Where does a walk across Vermont end?

I can’t tell you.

But what I can tell you is where it does not end.

It does not end on the first day in the first hour or two or three or four with gnats spinning dully in your eyes and ears TaosDawn_LT_SethWarnerShelter_pxduring the greatest September heatwave New England has seen in 20+ years.

I’m not used to humidity.

It does not end when you arrive at that first dark shelter echoing with silence.

Here I am: Alone.

It does not end that first sleepless night of anxiety about tomorrow’s 70% chance of heavy rain for your 13-mile day.

It does not end in the late afternoon of your second day on the endless stone staircase descent. It does not end when you slip on a moss covered stone, the LED screen of your camera + a thin veil of fabric the only buffer between you and a wall of granite.

TaosDawn_LT_Stairs_01_800px

It does not end with the first warning of no water ahead at the night’s shelter.

It does not end on day 4 with the rumor of a strange fellow “off his meds” stealing food and talking morosely at the shelter where you were planning on staying that night.

It does not end when you push-on, though tired, another few miles to find another place to camp.

It does not end that night of the 12-hour rain your tent proving inferior it does not end with your down sleeping bag getting wet it does not end with breaking camp in a downpour it does not end with your first serious ascent and the trail is a rushing stream bed with 4 inches of rain in 4 days it does not end with the threat of hypothermia it does not end with the first twitch of pain in your good knee.

TaosDawn_LT_StrattonPondMist02_800_px

It does not end with your first prayer to your parents: Help me keep myself safe.

It does not end with that very long very steep wet descent, your knee balking with each downward step.

TaosDawn_LT_StrattonPonsFog_01_800_px

It does not end with your first phone call to your Good Man and also to your first friend—your friend of 49 years:

I may have to come in. My knee is killing me . . . .
But I’m not going to decide today. I’ll wait and see how tomorrow goes.

It does not end with you wrapping your father’s red bandanna like a bandage around your knee.

It does not end at Eastern Mountain Sports in Manchester:
Do you have any one-man tents?
No, we sold the last one this morning.
Do you have any two-man tents?
We have one left—it’s a great, light-weight and excellent tent, but you pay for it: $399.

It does not end with you buying a 2-man Big Agnus tent nearly identical to the 2-man Big Agnus tent you already own that you left at home because you decided it was too heavy and instead replaced it at the last minute with an ultralight “tarp tent” which sucked in a 12-hour Vermont downpour and which will now be shipped back to arid New Mexico.

It does not end with ice, ibuprofen, Tiger balm, turmeric, and knee braces.

It does not end with you cautiously limping back to the trail.

Rather, you go another 50 miles, and you feel kind of okay. And you think you’ve got this. You think you’re gonna make TaosDawn_LT_Stairs_02_800_pxit. Your knees aren’t 100%, but they don’t feel too bad.

And then you go another 50 miles.
And the trail gets more rugged.
And you’re tired.
And you’re hiking all day every day.
And there’s little water.
And water is heavy.
And you’re knees are not happy.
And your knees are swollen.

And your knees tell you We’ve had enough.

And with the trail getting harder and your knees aching more, you decide, reluctantly, reluctantly, reluctantly that your knees are more valuable than your pride.

And you decide you will come off the trail in 2 days. And you simply don’t know that the hardest 2 days of hiking you’ve ever known will be in those next 2 days. Those next 24 miles.

Because then your leg buckles.
And you fall.
And your left quadriceps slams something hard.
And now you have 2 bad knees and one good quadriceps and you hurt more than you ever remember hurting.
Ever.

And you’re trying to stay positive, trying to stay bright, but all you can really think is
This is hard. This is so fucking hard.
And you are in fear of how rugged the trail is, and how much more rugged it is rumored to be.

And you climb and you climb and you climb and you’re dreading the descents, because the climbs are painful, but the descents are excruciating.
And you call your first friend and you plead  How much Ibuprofen can I safely take in one day?
Because you’ve already had a lot of Ibuprofen. A lot.
And you call your Good Man and you cry.

A hike across Vermont does not end there because you still have three, four, five more miles of steep terrain and you want to wail but you tell yourself  If that guy could cut off his own hand, I can do this. I can get out of here.

TaosDawn_LT_MossRocks_800_px

And that 19th day of your month-long hike with two bad knees and one good quadriceps you somehow walk those last miles.

And on your 19h day of walking across Vermont you come off the trail.

And you feel victorious. You feel glorious.

For you have just done something you’ve never done before:

 

You just hiked 170+ miles of the Long Trail.

 

TaosDawn_LT_2015_End_of_Trail01_800px

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Read more about my journey:

Installment 01: my walk across vermont

Installment 02: where a walk across vermont begins

Installment 04: falling, gratitude, and why I want to return to the trail